Discrimination in the Synagogue

I had always wanted to write something like this:

American Judaism has a boy problem.

After several thousand years in which women were relegated to the sidelines of worship and community leadership, scholars and denominational leaders now say that women are significantly outnumbering men in numerous key segments of non-Orthodox Jewish community life.

Whether it was at my synagogue in Boston, at local Jewish community events, or in the Hebrew and Jewish Studies courses I took at Hebrew College, I always felt that I was in the minority. Because I was.

Three of four rabbis at my old synagogue were men; now, half are women. The synagogue’s past two executive directors have been women. There is now a part-time cantor who fills in for the full-time one when he is on vacation, and she is a woman. The synagogue’s board of trustees just appointed its first female president. Most of the volunteer organizers of events for the synagogue’s twentysomethings and thirtysomethings are women. In related news, many American Jewish women complain (see websites like this one) that there are no good Jewish guys around to date.

The reason? The study cited by the article states it succinctly:

“American Jewish boys and men have fewer connections to Jews and Judaism in almost every venue and in every age, from school-age children through the adult years,” the study declares. “Contemporary liberal American Judaism, although supposedly egalitarian, is visibly and substantially feminized.” (empasis added)

Although I only attended my Boston synagogue for two years, I can see, in retrospect, what the study meant. Every Sukkot, the synagogue’s group for twentysomethings and thirtysomethings would organize an event named “Salsa Under the Sukkah.” I was never interested in attending because, like most straight, white, young men, I have little desire to dance. I would guess that the only men who wanted to go were: gay, Latin, or badgered into attending by their wives or girlfriends. Men, in general, have no interest in dancing. But since it was largely organized by women, they instinctively decided to have an event that interested women. And I’m sure more guys were turned off. I would have loved to have seen an event like a softball or tennis league.

There were other issues as well. As a Reform synagogue, the congregation focused much of its time on liberal politics and social activism. These are two aspects that appeal mainly to women. As much as I support the right of gay people to marry — the law cannot discriminate on the basis of gender, just like it cannot discriminate on the basis of race, religion or ethnicity — I don’t want to deal with politics in my religious life. There is no religious duty to advocate for gay marriage; I would have preferred to learn Torah. I would bet that other men felt the same way. (Since men are typically more conservative than women, I presume that many generally opposed such actions altogether.)

As a former editor and executive director of Spare Change News, a non-profit, Boston newspaper and organization that helps the homeless, I saw first-hand that most people who are interested in helping the needy are women. Nearly all of our volunteers were women. Of course, it is wonderful to help the downtrodden, but the practical reality is that this activity appeals more to women because they are more naturally sympathetic and empathetic.

I was most surprised by the female-centric orientation of the synagogue during the High Holy Days services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur over the past two years. Two readers — usually teenagers — are brought up to chant a Torah portion twice during each holiday. Out of the eight people I heard chant the Torah in these two years, six or seven of the selected participants were girls. I would have expected it to be divided in half. I don’t know whether the increased presence of girls was intentional or whether only girls volunteered in the first place, but the implicit message in such a service — intentional or not — was that girls were favored over boys. Of course, this is another reason that men may have been turned off.

No matter what feminists believe, men and women are inherently different. We have different physiologies, mentalities and interests. As a result, certain activities will appeal to one gender and not the other. If an organization has more and more activities that appeal to women, fewer men will join. If an organization has more and more activities that appeal to men, fewer women will join.

But I think there is something deeper at work here. The blunt truth is that men and women need time apart from each other. As much as a man may love his wife, once in a while he needs time to go out with the guys, drink beer, burp, fart, play poker, and scratch his crotch. As much as a women may love her husband, once in a while she needs time to out with the girls to shop for shoes, get facials, eat chocolate, do each other’s hair, and do whatever it is that women do.

As a result of feminism, the two sexes must now spend every single moment together. No gender has time to get away and relax. (For example, men’s-only clubs have been outlawed as discriminatory.) Once upon a time, traditional, Jewish men had the synagogue all to themselves while the women took care of the home. But now the women have entered the synagogue and have pretty much taken control. So the men are looking for somewhere else to go. Is anyone really surprised?

Related: The Battle of the Sexes