Men, Women, and Happiness

This new study is sure to be controversial:

Apparently, women are happy with their lot earlier in their lives, whereas men have bigger financial goals and tend to be unfulfilled during their 20s, both financially and in their family lives, which makes them miserable.

But by middle age, men have fulfilled their financial and family life goals and have cheered up, whereas women are more likely to be unfulfilled and unhappy.

The authors think a major factor underlying this is the shift in the proportion of men and women in relationships: men are more likely to be single in their 20s, and women are more likely to be alone in middle age.

The entire journal article is available here (for a price).

The study’s findings are obvious when one looks at how American society operates. In the dating world, the value of a woman generally declines as she ages and loses her youthful appearance, but the value of a man increases as he becomes older and gains more maturity, accomplishments, and resources. (Of course, this is unfair to women, but unfortunately, this is human nature.)

Older men and younger girls tend to date and marry each other. Remember high school and college? Freshmen guys in each setting have a harder time dating because the girls their age usually want to date older men, and the freshmen in high school and college cannot date girls in junior high school and high school respectively, for obvious reasons. Even in the twentysomething dating scene, many girls who are that age choose to date older men. So, as the study finds, younger men are generally less fulfilled in dating and relationships.

Women, on the other hand, have the time of their lives when they are young. They know that nearly every guy around them wants to be with them. Pop culture celebrates female beauty and idolizes youth, and this feeling trickles down to women. Here in Israel, I’ve seen girls just out of high school (and currently in the army) dancing on top of bars while every guy stares at them, completely unable to hide their excitement. I’m sure the girls know the effect they have on men. While reading the article on the study, I remembered an old “Seinfeld” episode where Jerry dates a young, beautiful woman who can get anyone to do whatever she wants — simply because of her appearance.

But everything changes.

After years of hard work, most men have some degree of financial success and stability by their thirties, and they become attractive to the cute girls who dance on bars. And by this time, the cute girls who used to dance on bars, tease all of the men who wanted them, and think that they would be gorgeous forever have now lost much of the male attention they used to receive. When I see young girls dancing on bars, I also notice the subtle looks of envy-disguised-as-disgust from older women in the establishments. As I wrote in part of a lengthy essay, this scenario is one reason for the prevasive singleness that is currently present in the American dating scene.

However, there is another reason for the differences in levels of happiness: the unintended consequences of feminism. For decades, women have been told that they should “have it all” – higher education, a good job, a happy family, and a loving marriage. Of course, it is possible to have all of these things, but many women have come to expect perfection. They believe that it is possible to have an immaculately clean house, perfect children, and fulfilling job that also allows them to have enough time to cook delicious meals, chat with friends over glasses of wine, and relax in a bubble bath every night. (Did I miss anything?)

Well, nothing is ever perfect. As men have known since, well, the first day that someone left his cave to hunt woolly mammoths, life is about compromise and sacrifice. People need to set priorities because no one has the ability to do everything perfectly all of the time. But feminism has sold women a false bill of goods because it is impossible to have it all. If a woman gives 110% everyday in every area of her life, that is only a receipe for madness, burnout, and unfulfilled expectations by middle age, as the study suggests.

The perfect description of this attitude is Tea Leoni’s character in the film “Spanglish” — she is the embodiment of many of the fears that men have in regards to marriage. We would rather remain single and alone than marry someone who will turn into her. We outright fear her.

Still, there are also many other reasons for the lackluster dating scene in the United States. I invite you to read a prior essay for more.

Related: The Battle of the Sexes